Why I'm Back in Utah

Yes, I'm back. Yes, that was fast.

I've been trying to think how I want to explain this, how to justify myself and put it all in the best light. But I think everyone will have their own opinions no matter what I say, and I'm not sure I need to justify myself anyway, so I've decided to just go with the truth.

I really liked Oregon. It was gorgeous, the people were interesting and nice, the job was great, and I saw a bit of the world outside the Utah bubble. But the past few days have probably been the worst I've ever had. I feel like it was more than just homesickness, it was panic. I was so bullheaded and excited to get out of Utah, and I had this fantasy in my head but then actually getting out there was a slap-in-the-face, elephant-on-your-chest reality check. I'd been told it would be that way, but for some reason that didn't fully register until I got there. I believe most people leave home for a specific reason, like college or grad school or getting married. This move was vaguely supposed to be a step towards grad school, but I had nobody and nothing and once I got there I realized my reasons for leaving were so not good enough.

I've said before that I'm a people person, and if I'd had someone with me, like a roommate or sister or something, I think it would have been different. Or even if I was going with the specific purpose of graduate school, living with a fellow student roommate, going to classes, that would have been different too. I wanted to experience new things and be independent and leave Utah valley, and I did. But I think mostly this was a painful but wonderful learning experience, that reminded me how much I already have that I've been taking for granted.

So now the question is what next. My parents were very concerned (and rightly so) that I was running away from something that would be good for me, but we decided that this time it was just too much in the wrong way at the wrong time. Everyone needs to be independent and leave eventually, and now I've had a taste of what that will actually be like and now I can better plan and prepare for it, and make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Here's the main thing: my plans have not changed at all. I will still be independent, have my own place and a job and all that, still work towards applying for MFA programs in January and keep working on my writing career. None of that has changed, I'm just doing it in a place where I can breath.

I've learned a lot about myself (I'm small) and the world (it's big), I've experienced what I need to experience and can move forward in a smarter way. Utah is still the same place it was before, with the same issues, but I've come to appreciate it in spite and because of those issues, and I am willing and ready to make Utah work. I hope all of this makes sense, and that you won't judge too harshly. I've chipped away at some naivety and inexperience, and am ready to move forward with my life and my writing. I'm pretty sure we can get back to normal here, and the breaks and misadventures are over at least for now.

I want to leave you with J.K. Rowling's Harvard commencement address from a few years ago. I've been thinking about it a lot in regards to coming back to Utah.

Basically, let's keep going.

Sarah Allen